It’s not me it’s you!

Tags

Depression, fashion, healthy eating

So before we get into the real topic let me start off by saying since I’ve started to at least attempt to eat healthier I’m feeling a lot better. Your diet can really affect how you feel and my diet sucked. One thing I found and I’m so grateful I did is Ben and Jerry’s Frozen Yogurt (FroYo) Chocolate Fudge Brownie! I’m a chocoholic and of course chocolate is one of the most fattening things on the planet. Luckily yogurt is less fattening and by less I mean the ice cream option in fudge brownie is 269 calories the frozen yogurt kind is only 180! That’s 80 calories! I don’t even usually have a full serving I usually just grab the container and have a few bites when I’m craving it. No one else in my house eats it so it’s all mine! It’s definitely a nice option for chocolate lovers.

Now onto the topic at hand. I’m realizing a lot of my self esteem issues are related to my mom and sister. For one big example how I feel about how I dress. I was always kind of the odd man out I dress how I want I don’t really care what people thing at least now I don’t, but for a really long time I did. I’d ask my mom how I looked in an outfit or ask her if I looked nice and she would always find something to pick at. My sister is the same way if it’s different instead of being nice and saying “You look nice but it’s not my style.” it’s always the awkward looks of disgust or saying something about what I’m wearing. For a long time it really bothered me but now I’m starting to be more comfortable in my own skin less critical of myself. The other day I actually thought I looked really amazing my mom disagreed but it didn’t bother me at all because I was happy with it. I’m learning to just focus on my happiness and worry less about their opinions. I’m my own person and I’m perfect the way I am.

Long time no see!

Tags

life

I guess maybe I haven’t been around because things have been going great. I’ve been so busy taking care of my dogs and other things so I haven’t really had time to just sit and over think like I usually do. I’m more relaxed and just not as anxious. It’s been nice so I haven’t felt a need to blog. I usually do it when I’m anxious or not feeling good about life just to relieve some of that stress by typing it out. Hopefully this continues and I’ll stay like this for a while now I just need to cut out caffeine completely and I’ll be golden!

I still have feelings you know.

Tags

Depression

I have a tumblr and usually everything is peachy except there are times when people can be just plain mean and I’m one of them not gonna lie. I know I can be a total bitch and most of it is me defending myself or stating an opinion. I’m going to try to fix this because I don’t like it when people are mean to me and I don’t want to be that person. This weekend in my ask I got some pretty hurtful messages in my ask box and while I did what I unusually do which is defend myself and be a bitch it didn’t make it any less hurtful. To be told people don’t care about me just really is pushing it to far. I’ve dealt a lot with feeling like I don’t matter and to keep bringing it up whether you’re meaning to or not is just down right cruel. I’m brushing it off though and this is the last post I’ll make about it because I’m not going to let these cyber bullies get to me. From now on if anyone sends me anything negative or just down right rude I’m simply deleting it. I’m done caring what people think about me I deserve to be happy and I am going to surround myself with people who care. I always try my best to give my opinions and beliefs in an adult manner though sometimes I slip I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve to be put down no one does. I’m fixing that broken part of myself can I say the same for you?

I can’t be the only one…

Tags

Depression, life

Who feels like some people just have it so easy. Today my sister randomly was offered a $20 an hour job and while I’m happy for her and I pray she gets it because that would be great for her and she deserves it I can’t help but feel shafted. I’ve always felt like my sister things just happen for her she doesn’t even need to try and I’m the opposite. Everyday is a struggle and most times I just feel like I can’t catch a break. Also I feel like sometimes people who are the scum of the earth are better off in life then me and at times I feel like I’m being treated unfairly, but I just need to remind myself that life isn’t fair everyone struggles and while I may feel like her life is perfect it’s not. I just remind myself that God has something amazing planned for me and that I need to take life one day at a time. Be thankful for what I do have. Loving parents, a wonderful niece, a good sister, awesome pets, heck I’m just lucky I have a job so what am I even complaining about? Sometimes it just helps to get it out into words and I’m already feeling better. My time will come and when it does watch out!

A Nice Distraction

Tags

Anxiety, Depression, love, Puppy

I hope everyone had a great New Years! I did except that I spent the majority of it on a train headed back home. My resolution this year is to eat healthier, exercise and above all to just be happy. I really want to get to a point where I’m truly happy with life. No matter how bad things get I’m going to find the bright side of things. In other news my puppy Riley is almost 4 months old and while it’s been though potty training her and other things she is wonderful. She’s definitely made me happier and has helped me keep my mind away from negative thoughts and worrying. Usually I’d sit and just worry worry worry but now I can’t because I have a puppy to feed and take care of so all my energy and thought goes into that. I have other dogs but they’re not my dogs if you will. Our beagle actually belongs to my niece and my sister and dad usually handle her. Our other dog was a joint venture but he’s more my fiancee’s dog and Riley is mine. I picked her up from the shelter I’ve paid her medical expenses bought her toys and her food and I love it! For people like me who suffer from major depressive disorder I encourage you to find something that you love and to pour your heart into it. Find something to keep you busy and to keep your mind free. I know it’s hard and trust me I dread the day I have my next episode even with being on medication, but next time I’ll be better able to cope knowing I’m capable of being responsible, capable of loving and feeling. It’s a reminder that all episodes will run their course and then the sun will shine again. Riley is just such a comfort considering I’ve always struggled with not feeling loved. I know I am obviously, but it’s still part of my mindset that I need to fix and she helps with that. She cuddles next to me, runs up to me when I get home and I know she loves me unconditionally and doesn’t care about my flaws. To her I’m perfect and she loves me.

One month…

Tags

Anxiety, Depression

I’m typing this on my iPad which is so much more convenient than my iPhone. I tend to write big so when I type on my phone it feels a little cramped. I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this. At least once a month I wish I was male. I’m staring to notice that some of my symptoms get a little worse when I’m about to surf the crimson wave. I do get a little more anxious and depressed probably due to my hormones. It really sucks because it’s like right when I feel like I’m getting better my hormones that I can’t control go haywire and I feel bad physically and mentally. At least I know it will pass, but man I wish we didn’t have to experience this at all. Recently we found out my niece also has ADD which I was diagnosed with in high school. This made me wonder if I should talk to my doctor about possibly putting me back on my ADD meds. I have a horrible time concentrating and its really beginning to affect my work. I keep getting distracted which isn’t hard for me and I’m also very forgetful. I think my Zoloft was suppose to help some with that but it really hasn’t so either I want to try and get back on my ADD meds or I’m thinking of possibly asking to try a different anti-depressant. We’ll see. I’m on the road to recovery and it’s full of trial and error.

Merry Christmas

Tags

Christmas

I’m sitting here eating chicken gumbo (because that’s how we do Christmas dinner in Louisiana) and packing to head to my aunt’s funeral tomorrow and then we’re going to visit my 92 year old grandmother. She hasn’t been feeling well which worries me but I think she’ll be ok. I hope everyone has an awesome day!

My Aunt Passed Away

Last night at 7:40 pm. My dad seems really upset and I’m really worried about him. He sounded very depressed on the phone so please keep him in your thoughts and help him to get through this.

It just never gets easier

Tags

Anxiety, Depression

My dad called and said my aunt is dying. This is never what you want to have happen especially during Christmas. I was in such a good mood yesterday excited for my nieces birthday, excited for Christmas and now I feel like I can’t be. Almost like I’m not allowed to because if I do I’m being heartless. Granted I was never close to my aunt, but it’s still my Dad’s sister. His brother died a few years back so I feel for him. He’s the only one left his parents are gone and now both of his siblings. I don’t think it’s death that scares me it’s more that you will never be able to see that person again. You will never be able to talk to them and have them converse with you. Sure you can talk to them but it’s not the same when you can hear there voice. There’s no more hugs, no more I love you, it’s all gone. You alter your life to cope and you move on but it’s not easy and that piece of you is gone forever. Sure they’re in heaven I believe watching us so we’re never truly alone, but we’re human so it’s natural to feel these things. I’m just in a horrible mood now

UPDATE My dad is leaving for Lake Charles so it’s pretty serious. I called my niece to see if she’s ok because she’s very attached to my dad and she was hysterically crying to the point where she made me cry. She told me she wishes I could come home early and it just broke me. I’m going to try and leave early if I can so I can go be with her so wish me luck!

Forgetful

Tags

Anxiety, Depression

I was actually doing really well remembering to take my meds I even made an alarm on my phone so it will remind me everyday to take my medicine. Alas I still find myself forgetting to take it. I get really side tracked with everything going on around me that I simply silence the alarm with the intent of going to take my meds and then something happens and that’s the end of that. I think it’s just Christmas in general. As it gets closer it gets more chaotic. You’re worrying if you got everything for everybody if there’s something you missed what’s for dinner Christmas night etc. On top of it I’m going to Houston next week so now I’m worrying about making sure I’m packed my dogs are taken care of etc. Hopefully after the holiday’s I’ll be able to relax a bit. After Christmas I have my cruise to look forward too! Jamaica here I come!